This article was written for Azuka Jebose an editor i met who wanted me to be a columnist in his magazine. The magazine didn`t work out so i have deceided to blog the article regardless.
There is no cure for low self esteem rather it can contaminate you. Your partner should be able to contain your personality in every aspect. He/she should be able to show up and represent you without you having a heart attack. He/she must complement you.
A little fairy named Cupid told me about what some of you were up to this valentine. Some relationships were appraised, Some knots tied while some discovered their soul mates. Regardless of what you hoped for I pray that you weren`t carried away by the roses, box of candies, dinner for two, gold necklace and all the razz mattaz that followed but you carefully considered those things that have a long term effect on your happiness.
What do you look out for in the opposite sex? What informs your decision that this person is worth dating or courting? What is your intention regarding the relationship and is all hell breaking lose?
Lots of people only look at the surface, looks, social status or personal achievements without looking deeply at the background of the to be lover which in most cases is responsible for whatever pleasant or nasty traits displayed.
One of my biggest turn offs is a person with severe insecurity issues.
There is nothing more unattractive than a person who lacks self confidence or even knows his/her worth. You may find yourself constantly reassuring such people of your love and commitment which often becomes very cumbersome.
People with insecurity issues may display some the following traits
1. Low self esteem
Have you been instructed to change your bb picture to his/hers, declare your engaged on all social sites, put up your partners picture as profile picture on fb, delete all pictures of you and the nice looking males/females on your page, get pregnant, wear unattractive outfits etc
If deep down inside you , you feel pressured and enslaved this is not what you may want to deal with forever. He/ she will forever scritunize you and strip you of every form of colour to appease their insecurities.
2. Extreme jealousy
Jealousy is healthy when it is not destructive. Your partner should adore you enough to not want to lose you but should not make crazy demands as a show of loyalty or a form of security.
Have you been told to discard all your friends of the opposite sex? or quit a job and be a sit at home wife? or not to say hello to the any old friend or ex while together?No matter what you do a person with low self esteem will never be satisfied and will drag you from one level of depression to the next.
3. Attention seekers
They are either loud talkers who always want to be noticed or they exhibit some amount of arrogance as a form of show off. If your partner uses swear words freely on a dinner table or you find yourself not wanting to be seem publicly with him/her my dear this is an indicator.
What`s more annoying than a partner who won`t let others speak or who constantly brags about acquired possessions and claims to know everyone in the upper class.
It must be difficult to be with someone who people stare at not because they are gorgeous but because they are so lousy.
It must be difficult to be with someone who people stare at not because they are gorgeous but because they are so lousy.
Be mindful of the empty vessel.
4. Wardrobe malfunctions
If you are constantly embarrassed by your partners appearance and he/she isn’t sensitive to this. Chances that you will eventually cheat is high.
What makes a lady attractive? Her appearance and carriage. It`s not about expensive jewelry or designer outfits but how everything compliments her personality and makes them sexually appealing.
5. Financial inabilities
No income is a complete turn off. Trust me, a lady of working age must occupy her hands and earn something no matter how small. Your man must work let me repeat that your man must work and earn a decent living. If he depends on you solely for survival, you might lose respect for him sooner than later. No matter how good looking they are or how much of a sexual dynamite he is trust me the looks will fade and reality will kick in.
6. Educational background
Let no man deceive you the educational background of your partner matters not in determining good character but in measuring how confident they might be when peered with your friends. Can they have intellectual conversations or is he/she limited in knowledge? Is there some form of shame when questions are asked about institutions attended or is there a challenge securing a job? he/she may carry some resentment for you and your friends.
Though there is a remedy for this you have to ask yourself how patient you are willing to be with such a short coming.
7. Social class or family background
Does it matter? yes it does dear. We all see things from different perspectivesThen again it`s important to note that some relationships can make you insecure. In the instance where
No show of open affection, No proper introductions, prolonged courting with no sign of actual commitment, Continuous Cheating, Third party interference, Or a total breakdown in communication.
What do I do I hear someone ask?
Honestly, no one can tell you but I can give you a hint. If you can`t find happiness in your situation and you have doubts take some time off to meditate about your future which is far more important.
Spend some time away from your partner to clear your head and realize that God is the only one you can`t walk away from. It doesn’t matter how many years you put into the relationship.
REMEMBER:
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| Hanging out with the girls |
You must trust each other and entrust in each other your vision and ideas.
How do I know if he/she can compliment me?
Well, try my compatibility test if you can at least score 5 out of 6 chances that you will have fun and may even work out is high.
Do you share the same faith? Or are you open about religion
Are you sexually compatible?
Are you socially compatible?
Are you morally compatible?
Are you attracted to him/ her?
Finally, can you settle issues with almost no interference from a third party?
Whatever you decide make sure you are true to yourself and try not to expect too much from others. There`s always someone out there for you.
A lot of guys in Lagos "constantly brags about acquired possessions and claims to know everyone in the upper class Lagos"...they are the so called "big boys" who date tons of girls at the same time and sleep with them yet have none to show as a girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteI'm speaking from experience and I have discovered most of them are insecure (dated one and friends with many) and take advantage of the babe who innocently doles out so much from her pocket when he claims to be broke.
Thinking very deep is quite wise...once you say I do, it will be hard to pull back especially in the first year of marriage.
Insecurity is a big issue for some men who tend to hide behind status quo, rather than admit it as a weakness. Every woman should work and earn a living. Never let a man tell you otherwise. Ladies need to wise up especially in these days and not act desperate.
Insecurity to me is a sign of low self esteem no matter how confidence the guy may seem. If he talks about other women to you while trying to prove he can get any babe he wants, he'll do the same by talking about you to them.
ReplyDeleteA man doesn't need to brag about possessions, his status in the society or anything at all neither talk down about women in his past or present to look good. You both maybe extremely compatible but if he exhibits any of the above mentioned, you may want to take a rain check! Choose wisely and don't rush.
Hmm...Sandra, I thought you didn't believe in pre-marital sex...how will they know if they're sexually compatible except they explore pre-marital sex? Just asking innocently...sexual compatibility doesn't really matter as you may sexually compatible with a lot of guys (not suggesting promiscuity). I simply think a lot of guys suffer from insecurity in Lagos and girls being desperate to settle down will fall for any of them.
ReplyDeleteTaking time to find the right person for you is absolutely the best thing to do.
As true as this write up is, i know a couple of people who soceity assumed had no business being together but eventually worked out.
ReplyDeleteA bank executive who ended up with a secondary school holder who is a business man.
As much as they had issues of trust and self esteem their love for each other concealed what society predicted to be impossible.
Its better to find your soul mate, then help them fix the rest. BUT if they are not redeemable you need to let them go.